I lived in bonny doon in santa cruz
Bahai retreat center, hospitality, cleaning the cabins
Hoping to find myself, it didn’t help
God, and prayer books, sitting on the bed and crying
And once I felt happy, the contrast of euphoria and despair
It was paradise, crying in the laundry room
Ripe plums in the orchard, on a hill in the meadow
I’d eat all the frut and then throw it up
It doesn’t matter where I am, the meadow was paradise
And hell and I thought the fruit would save me but it didn’t
Collared greens are horrible, as well as raw tofu
And peanut butter, I’d throw it up while I cleaned
It was hard hard work and I share the cabin with lots of girls
And one girl hated me, made up stories about me even though
I was kind, and Sasha was a secret utill we announced our marriage
And he poked my ribs and my body couldn’t sustain a run
Insides shaking around, anyways
I think he wanted me to look like a boy
Womanly was an unkind concept, he was a star
Running all the time, touching my ribs
I was so tired, I don’t know if he knew how tired I was
A year of puking and cleaning, I was so tired
He surprised me and took me to Michigan to meet
His parents, for consent, it was so quick
His mother bought me a dress and love my thin ribs and
I only ate in secret and was always hungry
Today today today, and sasha was upset for he
Had to pay, and how can you be mad?
How can you love me if you don’t want to pay?
Sometimes I see your soul he said, and that was the first time
That I ever really felt that he loved me.
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Piled on top of the boxes, we drove
To the Ozarks, and we were going to live on the land
People like my people, we thought
A big cow was in the way when we pulled up
Loud crickets and kids
In the grotto we found our cabin, a donkey
On the road and mice and crickets lived there too
And poisonous snakes, my dad was so proud
The head hissing with no body, no electricity
But in the Hines house we had electricity
I worked with wood and the woods
And the dogs had bubbly tics, awful, the murmur
Of crickets with alien eyes, they were the same
Humming beneath the ground, laundry and UFOs
My mother screamed
I wanted to catch the lizards but could only catch the toads
It was grossly akward, in the grotto, when he wanted us naked
Naked with noises at night. My mother could never sleep.
The mice drowned in a bucket of water, after
Stealing our things. And
Nathan was my brother. Our rituals made it so
I had to leave my cat behind, at dripping springs
With lots of men there and at the market, garlic braids
Pastel and garlic, there were five men
Wash the vegetables, fresh and houses on stilts
My dad took me away because they were contagious
I left my cat there, she was pregnant.
Another part of Missouri, I don’t know where
A lady had a crush on my dad
Old fashioned movies in the basement, black and white
Basement and making whoopy
My dream was a great piranese, to hug and
One day she came to me, mom said
Free piranes puppies, jean jacket and a puppy
Still have the jacket, nonnie was my dog
But then the decision was made, give way
To California
And I cooled the little girls off with milk jugs, but there
Was no more water, smelly, rotten milk-water
Palm trees were astonishing. My mother
Didn’t like idle wild. I was exhausted.
Stretched legs in the park, tourist park
Poision oak and tires and my puppy
I couldn’t speak. It was my fault, he said
And I knew it was my fault. Poison oak took president
And they wouldn’t help nonnie
The heaviest box I carried. A hole with treats and nonnie things.
I cry in the camp and cannot talk. Stupid Katie
I can do nothing but carry this heavy box
I can’t speak.
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On Christmas my room piles alone
Everett, nothing open, my room with piles
A matt the shape of my body
I wasn’t depressed, I decided something
And maybe keep it inside too, a ghost town
I looked for a store for food, orange sky
And light florescent, I found a family at walgreens
Cookies milk and ice-cream, christmas treats
And presents from my family, Bjork and ugly pajamas
The music of my life, singing over ugly bows
And putrid perfume, I wrote and found saved writing
I was happy because I was alone.
They would tell me I was okay at the hospital but why
Do my bones ache? What
What loads my hands down?
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Holl and moll were at coffee time
I didn’t want to leave, hideous
And someone was upset with me, a costume
To hold me with, long skirt, that’s all I remember
And I had to walk there.
Why is my skirt so long? They were sitting
There to meet me, on the bench, smoking.
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VISUAL: 11/14/06
Zhalih has on this blue sweater, it fits so well I’m jealous
She’s telling me stories for my future sweet dreams, and making my potential.
I have a project now. I’ll document her hair, fair hair, just like the poem
Something like this, I think…why do I love you, if not for your hair
Your fair hair and angelic stare. Stumbling words like a
Vacuum with little things struggling out, stumbling free into the fair
Atmosphere of productivity. My purpose is warranted and finally established.
She’s solidified what I’ve always thought was a valid job but always doubted--
Memory Eater.
Her mouth looks like her words, words full and plump like bubbles ready
To pop and drop the water all over me, soak my hair and baptize me
I was hungry and the prophet fed me.
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I had no idea she would one day be beautiful, snot
From the nose, pudgy with chapped lips
I always thought she’d be a pudgy woman with chapped lips.
Her legs were the utmost irritation but like a very mature woman
I chose to love her and I would take her on adventures.
Navan’s Land, another story altogether.
Wouldn’t clean with me, the Cleaner-Butters:
Petah Pan and Pashandie, and one time
Wooden staircase, little girl, wrote for me
And my dad made her sand it off
Wooden staircase, she’d let me comb her hair
After princess Lilly came round, and then she had to sand
The staircase, the wall.
She loved me and I laugh over Navan, and how I scare her.
She asked me what it looked like and I’d point to the sky.
I didn’t want to scare her and didn’t want him
To make her scrub the wall.
What is this land if not for Peta?
